Is Love a Commitment, a Choice, or Just a Feeling?

Love…it’s a word that stirs up so many thoughts:

Is love a commitment we make?

Is it something we choose or just a feeling that sweeps us off our feet?

We’ve helped countless people navigate their love lives, and we know no single answer exists.

That’s why we’re not here to tell you what love is or isn’t.

In this article, we’ll explore different views on romantic love…from the butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling to the conscious choice of staying committed.

We’ll look at what everyday folks have experienced and what experts say. By the end, you’ll have a clearer picture to help you figure out what love means in your own life.

Because like Hannah Drake wrote in her article about the meaning of love:

“Nobody has really defined it. That’s why there are countless songs, quotes and poems about it”

Does Commitment Mean Love?

Well, it’s not that simple. We’ve seen deeply committed couples struggle with feeling “in love.” On the flip side, we’ve also encountered people who feel intense love but shy away from commitment.

In our efforts to help people create and maintain happiness in their relationships, we’ve learned that commitment often grows alongside love, but they’re not always the same.

Think about it…you might be committed to your job, but that doesn’t mean you love it, right? The same can apply to relationships.

In our experience, commitment is more about sticking around, even when the road gets bumpy. It’s about prioritizing spending time together and handling differences in a relationship.

And yes…love can be the fuel that makes that commitment easier and more rewarding.

But as We All Know, Feelings Fade

We were working with a woman named Monica who was questioning her long-term relationship. Although she felt committed, she wasn’t sure if she still loved her partner.

In fact, Monica was seeking advice on how to leave him.

Through our sessions, she realized that her commitment was a form of love. It was her way of showing care and dedication, even when the intense feelings weren’t there.

As far as we know, they’re still together.

The thing is, commitment without any emotional connection can lead to unhappiness. We’ve seen couples who stay together out of obligation…it rarely ends well.

In his Triangular Theory of Love, psychologist Dr. Robert Sternberg offers an interesting perspective.

He suggests that complete love consists of three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. According to this theory, commitment is indeed a crucial part of love, but it’s not the whole picture. It needs to be balanced with emotional connection and physical attraction for a relationship to thrive.

So, does commitment mean love?

Not necessarily. But it can be a powerful expression of love and a main ingredient in lasting relationships. It’s up to you to decide how commitment fits into your definition of love.

Do You Fall in Love, or Is It a Choice?

You’ve probably heard people say they “fell” for someone. It sounds like love just happened to them, doesn’t it? But is that the whole story?

From what we’ve seen, love’s early stages seem like falling more often than not.

There’s that rush of excitement, the butterflies in your stomach, the way your heart races when you see them. These intense feelings aren’t something we consciously choose…they just happen.

There was a guy, Mike, who reached out a while ago. He was desperate to attract love into his life, but didn’t know how. Suddenly, he stopped calling us, and about a month later, he sent an email.

Mike wanted to thank us. He described meeting his now-wife as being “hit by a truck of emotions.” He didn’t plan it. It happened when he least expected it. In his case, that initial attraction and excitement wasn’t a choice.

After That Initial Spark, Love Becomes More of a Choice

We choose to nurture those feelings, to spend time with that person, to open up and be vulnerable. We decide to prioritize their well-being and happiness alongside our own.

Take Lisa, for example.

She came to us confused about her feelings for a long-time friend. She realized that while the initial attraction wasn’t her choice, deciding to explore those feelings and potentially risk their friendship was entirely up to her.

This blend of involuntary feelings and conscious choice is supported by scientific research.

According to a study published in the Journal of Neurophysiology, the early stages of romantic love activate regions of the brain linked to reward and motivation, similar to the rush from addictive drugs.

This explains why falling in love often feels beyond our control.

However, the study also found that long-term love activates brain regions associated with attachment and decision-making, suggesting a shift towards more conscious processes as loving relationships mature.

In other words, lasting love is often a mix of uncontrollable feelings and conscious decisions.

People might not choose who they’re attracted to, but when the honeymoon phase fades, couples often find themselves actively choosing to love their partner each day.

If not, they soon start looking for ways to save a dying relationship.

Is Love Just a Feeling or Not a Feeling?

This question has puzzled people for centuries.

In our practice, we’ve seen countless individuals grapple with this issue, including people who have never found love because they don’t believe in it.

Let’s start with the obvious – love certainly involves feelings.

There’s no denying the rush of emotions, the warmth of loving gestures, and sometimes even the pain that comes with love. These feelings can be powerful and overwhelming, significantly influencing our thoughts and actions.

We’ve had clients who were head over heels for someone they’d just met. Describing it as a whirlwind of emotions – happiness, excitement, nervousness, all mixed together.

For them, at that moment, love felt like nothing but an intense feeling.

At the same time, they felt confused…they weren’t sure if that was THE ONE.

They knew that love must evolve into something deeper for a relationship to progress. To become a combination of emotions, choices, and actions. Showing up for your partner, making sacrifices, and trying to maintain true love in a relationship.

These aren’t just feelings – they’re conscious decisions and behaviors.

Moreover, true love can exist even when positive feelings are temporarily absent. Couples might not feel particularly loving during tough times, but their commitment and actions can still reflect love.

Based on our practice of working with people and studying the psychic connections between lovers, we can’t completely separate love from feelings.

On the other hand, the retired evolutionary biologist and neuroscientist Enrique Burunat has concluded that love is a physiological motivation like hunger, thirst, sleep, or sex and not an emotion or feeling.

The Interplay Between Commitment, Choice, and Feelings

While each partner brings different strengths and values to the relationship, commitment, choice, and feelings in love don’t exist in isolation. We believe they’re interconnected, each influencing and reinforcing the others.

Feelings often spark the initial attraction, leading to choices about pursuing a relationship. As the relationship grows, these choices can deepen into commitment. This commitment, in turn, can nurture positive feelings and inspire more loving decisions.

It’s a cycle that can strengthen over time. But true love is not always smooth sailing.

Sometimes, feelings wane, and that’s when choice and commitment step in. Staying committed during tough times in life can help rekindle those loving feelings. Similarly, strong feelings can make committing easier, even when faced with challenges.

Do you face any challenges with your current love life?

If you have a complicated relationship issue or simply want to clarify your feelings…remember that you don’t have to figure it out alone.

Our experienced love experts can help you navigate the complexities of your heart.

You may just need a 10-minute call

See Who’s Online!