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NDE Flying

waking to a new worldWaking Blindly

The smell of after-smoke from thousands of cigarettes was thick in the air, the room had a gloomy grey din to it, making it resemble the discoloration of a black and white vintage photograph, but as I looked around I could clearly see a television set, an old couch with a table in front of it covered in various empty bags of chips, bottles of various soft drinks and an ashtray, heaped over with cigarette butts. As I spiraled to look around I realized there was a fluidity to it beyond that I had ever experienced in my life before. No. I didn’t spiral to move around – I simple saw in 365 degrees and my consciousness moved as if an orb floating in the aether.

I tried to touch my chest, I looked for my hands but realized I had none – I was bodyless, a spirit only I thought – so this is death? Perhaps I will wander, where are the Elysian fields? Where is the ferryman? Where is St Peter? Am I to wander the earth – if so, why did I wake up in this home?.

Realizing I could move I simply floated around the house – noone was home, it looked to be a single-guys house – or abode rather, apartment? condo?, it had nothing characteristic of a woman and no feminine presence to it whatsoever. It was ill kept, dirty, squalid actually with a filthy bathroom that smelled so awful I fled from it when I floated nearby.

I realized my sense of smell was many times augmented as when alive – something which meant nothing to me then – but means much more to me now as it is a sign to many spiritualists.

As I wandered the house I wondered what town or city I was in, I could see English writing on various articles – unpaid bills, junk mail laying around, a calendar from the previous year hung on a wall. To me this looked rather obviously like middle america – or at least felt like it. Why here? Why had I emerged here? I still have no idea and never have even gotten a faint clue as to why.

I tried to remember who I was – yet I knew, I already knew, like I had always been and always would endure, yet for some reason, all sense of human pain, worry, sorrow, emotion was gone – I didn’t miss my wife, I didn’t miss my pets, I didn’t have a sense of ‘missing’ anything – save for love, which now felt tangible, like I was composed of it and I had it in a general sense for everything –  and a deep sense of majestic tranquility. I tried very hard to remember what had happened to rend me asunder into such a state – how had I died? – I had no idea. Not even a faint memory at the time of how I got there or what or why I was there. I just knew I existed, I had not a care for a name, not a worried thought, no fear, just curiosity, wonder and love.

A Otherworldly CityscapeMy thinking was different now, as if in no language which has expression, it was as if my eyes saw and immediately understood language, but inside, I had no eyelids to blind me and no sense of thought – it was immediate processing, like, wham if I thought something it appeared/occurred/happened, there was no inside, I simple “was”. The world around me though, was stable, I was not.

As I sat pondering, I could no longer take the foul smell of the house, I had to get outside, away from people – anywhere else, somewhere with fresh air. I pressed myself against a door and, contrary to what you might think, it felt quite natural to push right through it and out into the world beyond. The sun was in the sky and radiated light, its rays cast and I watched them bounce yet I could not see the orb of the sun, it was merely a point of raw emission, like a tiny speck of invisible emissivity juxtaposed against everything which it struck and illuminated – very different. There was also no secondary light emissions – it was like a world full of light.

I remember realizing I was in a condominium complex, irregularly laid out, I had no normal sense of direction – no idea what state I was in and no sense of regularity to find out – nor any inclination to – I was, after all, dead.

Small things interested me, the harmonies of ants walking along the ground, the shape of flowers on the smallest weeds, the smell of the wind. I have no idea how long I simply stood there, invisible to all of humanity, invisible to myself, unbreathing, unliving, un-existing.

I wandered into a thicket across a street as cars whizzed by and smelled the swampy air – it was like perfume to my essence, I could feel all the beings and had interest in all of them. Tiny bugs, butterflies, the frogs, everything living – trees, plants, etc

For some reason I retained my sense of humanity – I was most definitely aware of being a human and having recently died. I worried not for anyone nor anything I had known in life, I was blissful simply wandering invisible, I could have cared less at this moment for any social interaction and I had seemingly lost all need for assurance – I was a self-reinforcing essence, a being unto itself.

For some reason the idea of quadropedal invertebrates came to my mind, then mammals, then horses and I began to mimic the motions of a trotting horse, to my astonishment and delight my orbus body had taken on the form of a kind of horse – at least in cadence and in sight. I saw both left and right – and integrated this information at once – while trotting. Then I decided to go into a full gallop and then faster and faster and… jumped! I must have jumped 1000 feet in the air and shot forward with such velocity words cannot describe. I was suddenly dropping gently down and I landed in a city, entirely in the dark of night.

I lost interest in being a horse for now and I came to a different interest – sound, yet something odd – very odd – struck me now.

City Light ViewThe city had no distinct aroma, it smelled both putrid and acrid, like smoke, fire, engine fuel, stone – steel – iron – sweat and the dust of a million trees all blended together into an effervescence I had to block out to endure – I found the smell disgusting. I also found the light disgusting. As I wandered in this city – which I now guess to be Chicago but could have been any. I saw the light emitted from different forms of source entirely differently. The sodium powered street lights emitted a nearly darkening light – like anti-light and cast shadows where clumps of light would ordinarily be. LED lights flickered at a very fast pace and ordinary incandescent bulbs emitted an orange glow like of fire – I noticed this instantly and it is so distinct a memory to me now it must have impressed itself upon me mightily.

However large the odd views of light were, one thought preoccupied my mind, listening to music – hearing it, singing it, being around it – I was, like a new foundling in a new land and thinking only of exploring the abilities of my new reality and the most interesting to me at this time was the sense that music was greatly important. I listened with a sense of hearing so profoundly stronger than when I was alive. I struggle to convey it now with words. It was as if everything was singing to me, if I listened hard enough, all at once, everything broke down into rhythms, patterns, sequences and sounds – this was important, as it seemed to give reason to my interest in music. I remember, at one point I realized even a stone could be broken down into a mathematical expression that was melodic – at a very very very slow pace – and it was so odd, as if all reality was mathematical and rhythmic. This made music very important – simple chanting, singing, music of any kind was interesting to me.

I wandered floating way off the ground – flying – over this city, seeking music.

I floated down to what seemed like a mall or large building, inside a kind of cheap elevator music played as people wandered around. This is when another revelation hit me, as I got close to people I realized I couldn’t see their faces – they were blurred out, as if in from the days of tube-television – the blur- function was applied, or the scratching out of faces on a painted canvas – I could see them clearly, hear them, but I could not make out their faces well or even at all – but I could hear them and I could smell them.

I wandered around trying to get people to notice or somehow interact with me. I wandered into a small restaurant with circular booths set against the walls, they were of wood, dark leather padding made up the seats which where, perhaps reddish brown or russet coloured. It was an old establishment that had been modernized. An African-American hostess stood behind a bar and as I wooshed past her to my direct left, sitting at a booth was a middle aged woman and either her husband or her son – I couldn’t tell as, a lot of age detection is dictated by facial features which I could not see clearly on either of them – she might have been 20 or 50 – I had no idea and as I wasn’t gawking I paid little attention to her body, she wore a black top and blue pants I believe. I stopped right in front of their booth and I reached out with my hands to touch the womens face, but wound up pushing what felt like my hands into her head. It felt as I recall like I wasn’t supposed to do that – it felt wrong. I felt instantly sorry I had done it.

As I did this the suddenness of the reaction she had stunned me, she told the man she was with – who I now learned was her boyfriend – that she was unwell and needed toA Person Feeling Unreal use the bathroom, I followed her into the bathroom (with no prurient intention whatsoever) just to see what was going on – I was feeling unwell and worried I had hurt her, she was unwell obviously, as  I wondered if I had accidentally hurt her, I heard her vomiting in a stall and telling another woman, clad in a purple dress with high-heels made of corkwood that she had suddenly felt sick and dizzy and was okay NOW – this eased me greatly, to hear her say she was just sick feeling and not seriously harmed. – The thought of this stuck with me as being the single biggest event in my entire NDE. I didn’t have at all a sense of glee or laughter and my overall demeanor was very serious – I recognize this only in retrospect. During the actual NDE I felt a very small spectrum of emotions and this spectrum felt wide, in reality, it was very narrow – I only see that now in retrospective.

I wandered out of the bathroom feeling like perhaps it was dangerous – or maybe that I was dangerous – or not my place – I resolved not to try to interact with people anymore and rather than attempt more of it, to simply leave. I was becoming bored with being an unseeable specter haunting this small restaurant anyway and just then a faraway voice attracted my attention.

With a single leap, I shot up and through the air into a completely different part of town, it was as if my mind directed my direction and some outside, unseen force propelled me. I was suddenly at the front door of a building – it began to rain, I had no sense of temperature effect upon me , but I could tell by everyone’s dress that it was cold – a cold rain, maybe even freezing. I watched from outside the window of this building positioned at a corner street. I looked at all the fingerprints on the window and thought how unclean it was and saw inside, the nightwatch or person left to buzz people in was a blonde haired girl who looked to be young, I realized if I looked past a persons face I could capture fleeting glimpses of them – but never lock gaze with them or scrutinize their faces. I decided to enter the building and as I did, the girl didn’t seem to notice me at all – as did noone – she sat and texted or otherwise played on an iPhone.

I remember thinking how alone we all are in the world, everyone, even those when alive, just trying to connect with one another. I sat and watched this girl at a distance from the lobby of this building – it was a large lobby with what looked like a kind of checkerboard floor. The building itself was massive and from somewhere high above, I heard the distinct sound of someone singing and a group chatting away about it – there was a recording studio up there I thought.

Rewind

To understand this story, one has to first step backwards in time, long before my NDE, long before I was a ghost inhabiting the lobby of a motel, back to when I was what I am now in life – an internet marketer, someone who works at a computer every day. I was then not a religious person, I wasn’t a believer in anything  – the truth is, I dont think I had ever read a book about NDE’s or even knew what they were or could say a single prayer or had any semblance of a clue what happened when we died.

I was about 25 or 26 when my neck problems really, first began. As I recall, my first symptom that I can clearly remember experiencing was generalized pain, a regular back pain growingback ache. I used to ask girlfriends to rub my back. I used to ask one girlfriend to stand on my back, I had another girlfriend who used to crunch it pushing down on it and it would make a sound like a bag of potato chips crushing and I would sigh with relief and felt my body breath easier. This went on for years and years, ever steadily getting worse, involving my left arm and eventually my hands.

My life also moved on. Girlfriends turned into a single, one, then we got married. My wife saw how bad my back problems were and she had me see a doctor when I was unable to bear the pain of sitting at my computer working any longer – I was finally at an impasse. I couldn’t go on eating fistfulls of tylenol and playing ‘its just a back ache’ anymore – I had to get this professionally examined.

I remember the day vividly, I had to change into a kind of tunic type dress – hospital garb wearing only my underwear and wrapped head to toe in a blanket, I’m a big guy so I had only an inch or so of clearance all around me as I was shoved – click, click, click down a kind of rack-conveyor belt into an MRI machine. Outwardly I kept up a good front but inwardly my stomach churned with anxiety, stress and my neck seemed to burn with pain, the kind of pain that one associates with the popping and crackling noises of bacon on a skillet – the kind of pain that makes you want to scream.

After about 45 minutes – which felt like an eternity – and several mental laps around the carousel of hell – I was pulled out.

Days past and a diagnosis came back – I had a collapsed, rotted – gone – disc in my neck and it was now bone on bone inside, to make matters worse what was left of the disc was protruding and impinging nerves leading to my agony. Off to pain management I went.

I met one of the few compassionate and genuinely professional doctors of my life in my pain management doc. Not at all like they are described in hateful anti-drug screed online. He was the kind of doctor who knew the sort of pain I was in and the kind of surgery I was facing – or the kind of debilitation I might suffer if I decided against surgery.

It’s worth pausing here to note that each case of spinal injury is unique and everyones pain profile dependent upon a litany of factors. In my case, I had never been a drug abuser, never had surgery before, never went to doctors very often and when I said I was in pain and was unable to work – had a very clear case of nerve impingement. I was in agony and couldn’t move my neck, was fitted with a custom collar and was on the road to surgery from nearly the second the MRI machines results came back. So one cannot fault my doctors if they were, shall we say, liberal with pain medicine.

Having said all this, an article like this naturally compresses what were months of elapsed time into a few sentences and a ride through the perils of pain, agony, hell and misery into a far distant memory. It’s important to consider this as a reader since you may one day face your own challenges and in reading this, things may appear simplistic – an obvious choice here, a wrong turn there, but in the moment it’s so hard to think clearly and concisely because, wracked by pain, desperation removes choices and reason.

I went first on morphine, then oxycontin, then a cocktail with more drugs, muscle relaxers, anti-anxiety medications, eventually I was on so many drugs I felt neck painuncomfortable with it.

I waited, had surgery to fuse my discs and remove the impinging reason for my agony.

I remember it all very well, within two or three weeks of my surgery I simply went cold turkey off the pain medication I had been on – and felt the sickness of withdrawal for the first time. Against the statistical odds I defeated this foe handily, I felt special – my neck felt much better, my pain was down 80% and I was back at life and drug free – for a time.

Eventually though, scar tissue formed in my wound channel in my neck, mixing with shrapnel left behind from surgery as well as bone spurs caused by the same, impingement upon new nerves began – and the pain returned, in a new form and less severe course, but, it returned and this time, I didn’t play around waiting for more than a diagnosis, I went straight to pain management from my neurologists office and back on opiates I went – back to coping.

This time however I resolved to avoid the perils of drugs like morphine which had given me hideous side effects unspoken by many – nightmares, difficult digestion, dry mouth and much – much more. I avoided oxycontin – knowing it would make my personality turn tempestuous, mean and cold. I avoided methadone and its murmurous effect upon my heart. No. this time I decided to try something entirely new – fentanyl.

It came in the form of a small gelatinous square and it mounted firmly on my freshly washed, shaved and dried arm. I put it on and thought – well, thats that and I lay back in my bed, trying to find a comfortable position.

Only this time, unknown to me, I had cast the dice of life on the roulette wheel of fate and it would be in the hands of providence whether I awoke or not.

I did continue though – just not into blissful dreams – but outside of my body, as an entity.

Pause: For Clarification’s Sake

It is worth noting that, at this stage of my life, I had no knowledge of the occult whatsoever, I had never read a grimoire, I had never heard anything beyond – perhaps – the name aleister crowley, I had never visited a psychic, I had never interacted with a priest – save for a cursory baptism performed so young I don’t remember it. I didn’t read the bible – nor visit a synagogue, temple or anything else – I was, basically, completely a blank slate – a rational empiricist, a functional materialist atheist.

I’m not saying I was ENTIRELY mired in (close mindedly wed to) scientific materialism, I had my doubts, my own suspicions rooted in my own worldly experiences with deja vu and other things. But I had no belief “system” at all. I had no framework FOR one.

I did however, have experience with psychoactive drugs – and more than a little.

As an unruly teenager and at other points in my life, I had taken a variety of substances including the hardest of hard (medical) narcotic drugs used – for medical issues I had experienced. I was at the time remain no stranger to the influence of hallucinogenic substances.

Therefore, this account I am giving, is not one which is from a persons perspective who might confuse a lucid dream or a hallucination with an NDE – what happened during this experience was as bedrock real as day to day reality, it was as fundamentally wholesome as the sky is blue or grass has roots – it felt REAL. This is a very important distinction to make, because I think there is a very real line of skirmish between those uninitiated to drugs who have an experience on an LSD trip and mark it as spiritual and those who die in an automobile accident (or have a heart attack or other sudden death event) and come back with an account. I am firmly in the latter camp. I never had what I would call a ‘spiritual’ experience – even from very strong hallucinogens, merely psycho-spiritual thoughts.

Or, perhaps most accurately, I should say that I maintain that my NDE experience was as lucid as waking undrugged reality and as rock stable as it (undrugged reality) continues to be for me. It wasn’t in any way analogous to any drug experience I have ever had nor do I compare it to one. I am pausing here to issue this statement and declaration because to me it’s very important, I am not confusing one with the other nor the other with the one. Whatever happened to me – title it what you will – it was entirely different from any kind of drug induced state I have ever felt prior or since and continues to intrigue my mind to this very day.

orb shaped 360 viewI am not credulous, nor am I so self-confident in my experience I’d be willing to accept if it I were you – I wouldn’t. If you haven’t actually HAD one of these experiences how CAN you? This is why I call myself a kind of a gnostic, my experience is mine, I know it was real – but all I can do is tell you about it, I cannot, in any way whatsoever, prove it to you or anyone else, nor can I transmit in any form the profound impact it had upon me.

To me, to those who confidently proclaim my experience to be this, or that, or the other – you’re fools, because at the end of the day none of you can KNOW my experience any better than I can and I myself am telling you not to believe in its validity, since I doubt it every day – just as I affirm and write about it. I dont see this as a contradiction either. I think any person who is scientifically reasonable and goes through an experience such as I did, should, out of sheer respect for reason and science themselves at least admit – it could have been a kind of altered mental state – and I do that, so much so that I waited nearly a decade to put this experience to paper and share it online. I am not trying to convince you of something or to try to change your mind upon this issue. I do however see a major difference between someone who slaps an LSD tab and then claims they met a talking goat and someone like me who knows what an acid trip is like and can tell you – nothing supernatural happened, except I left my body and still saw the boring real-world, no ghouls, no angels, no demons, no cyclops or space aliens – just the world from the perspective of a point of nothingness, floating through it, unseen by all except a doppelganger who apparently found me dreadful and ran away.

I have since been told by several occultists that should you encounter a doppelganger while outside your body, contact with them will cause your own physical body to die and as a rule, its frowned upon to approach them – this was not something I knew or understood at that time.

Experience Continues

Back at the hotel I was bored with the lobby, I decided to pursue the sound of the music upstairs, so I simply jump from the floor and shot up about 20 stories and landed in a hallway, it was shiny and in the far away distance of this large building I saw a grey uniformed janitor operating some kind of rotary machine cleaning the floor. I remember distinctly being able to discern the smell of the floor – a cheap smelling lemon concoction that I didn’t like very much, even worse smells were to come closeby shortly thereafter. I wandered down a hallway and then a set of stairs which went straight down, a doorway to my left went out to a small landing overlooking the city, it was marked ‘not an exit’ and though it appeared locked I simply pushed through and looked down upon the city below, peering at all the odd lights mixing and the smell and din of place gave me a kind of sad feeling – the first and only negative aspect of this entire experience, I remember having the realization that every life is simply a different version of the same tragedy and I saw in that city a colony – a giant ant-pile of tragedies – I felt love for everyone and at the same time a kind of sadness, at the futility of it all – an odd realization to have at that exact moment I thought. I decided to go back inside and find the source of the music so I went back in and this time I went in the exact opposite direction, through a pair of double doors I entered a specialty designed recording studio. There was a small control room with a shaggy haired teenage looking guy and two girls standing there, through a double or triple paned glass window – which was exceptionally clean – I saw a rather obese woman singing what sounded to be like a kind of knockoff cher song. I remember the feeling of disappointment at this, mostly because from far away, I was hearing what was going on in the headphones of the control room and now, up close, I was hearing the unmodulated sologist singing into a condenser microphone – it wasn’t pleasant, it wasn’t musical – hell, I wouldn’t even say it was music at all, it was the composition of music, but thats not entertainment, thats singing the same lines over and over and compiling the best runs – even I, a total non-musician, understood this.

It was at this moment I began to wander off and the most odd part of my experience occurred, one which marked the beginning of the end of it. I wandered out into a hallway and began floating down looking out of the windows and wondering if and when a tunnel was going to form, what I was supposed to do? I just felt, lonely? At this precise moment I turned my awareness down the hallway and found my gaze fixed as if in a mirror – I saw a literal doppelganger of myself. This version of me wore khaki’s, he lived in this city and he worked nights in this building, he had his own story – that was for sure – but there was absolutely no mistaking it, this was me, in some other version of time, space, a different reality – and he, unlike all others, could see me and was scared, scared for life. I watched a fear travel over this man that I had never seen in a living being. His face turned a pale white, he dropped his coffee, his books, everything he was carrying and he turned to run so fast he fell. I for my part began advancing on him hollering for him to stop, to talk to me, that I wasn’t his enemy, that I had questions – that I needed his help. He didn’t seem to agree and began to run at a full tilt so fast that I thought it might take me a second to catch him – but little did I know, I had no time.

Upon Waking

waking changed from experienceMy eyes, racked with pain opened to bright pasty light, the taste of inhaled vomit in my throat, I was hazy, I turned and immediately wretched and coughed acrid slime at the same time – showering my new bedspread and creating a huge mess. I was crying and I had no idea why – at least not for a moment – I had no idea what was real, what was happening, where I was, nothing – I was struggling to breath, I felt my heart pick up a pace like the slow grind of a locomotive coming back to life, kick…. Kick kick….. Kick kick kick…. It sputtered back on – then went into hyperdrive. I then realized my wife was there – covered in my spittel – she had shaken me awake and performed a kind of CPR like procedure as well.

Viewed from her perspective, she had walked in and realized I was laying in bed unbreathing, cold to the touch and without a pulse she could find, terrified she had begun CPR on me as best she could and shoved with all her might to turn my frame sideways on the bed to apply force to my upper back, which had acted as a catalyst for me to vomit and inhale reflexively and kick-started me back to the world of the living – she had also, immediately ripped the fentanyl patch off my arm, recognizing it to be the culprit.

Why I had such a bad, violent, deadly reaction to fentanyl when my body would gladly soak up other opiates as if they were food I have no idea. I have no idea why (in my opinion) I temporarily died that night – or if indeed I did even truly die. We went to the hospital and tests were run, no troponin in my blood – no heart attack. What had happened? You be the judge. In my view, whatever happened in technical terms didn’t then – and never will – matter. The real thing that was happened was beyond a simple explanation.

All I am left with from this event is this strange story. One which I have been very reluctant (even cowardly) to document and share due to several reasons.

There are many odd aspects of my experience even from an NDE’s perspective – The extremely strong sense of smell, the sighting of my doppelganger, the odd way light looked, the inability to see faces or distinguish very detailed characteristics of people in some instances, many aspects of this have stuck by me for years and years and led me down spiritual rabbit holes into the reading of much spiritual literature of a wide variety. My eyes have browsed everything from the holy bible to grimoires and other more esoteric texts by many authors the likes of Skinner, Rankine, Helms, Bardon, A. E. Waite and many more.

I have an entirely changed outlook due to this experience – I do not preach it to others, nor will I explain myself – nor do I owe an explanation to anyone. I will however say this. When credible people speak of having NDE’s and the profound impact they have upon them, they aren’t always talking about an acute, immediate, mind expanding rupturing of consciousness like some primeval boil spewing ectoplasmic lava out of their heads. They are often talking about internal changes – changes to patterns of thought, ways of perception, concepts and precepts, to structures which form which weren’t there before, to insights they may now have which previously they didn’t.

For me, this experience sent on on a spiritual pilgrimage of the mind, it sent me reading a hundred books, it sent me exploring in all new places and going over old ground with a new – finer toothed – comb. It made me realize the unbelievable is actually not so profoundly distant – it’s right here, all around us.

For me, this was the most healthy experience of my life and it ultimately led to my accepting that, I have to live with a partially disabled body, but my mind is thankfully fully functional and what pain I do endure is nothing compared to what it once was. I’ve since fully freed myself from the jaws of the opiate goliath and take no prescription pain medicine whatsoever – nor anything illicit.

Afterthoughtslove is all that matters

I think the most important thing in life is to love others and cling to our humanity under all circumstances good or bad – to have the courage to not let circumstance define our morals, but rather to have the strength to weather circumstances -unchangingly- if anything, my experience has made me more defiant than ever to be who I am and stay who I am, no matter what and to not let the fear of death ever emerge again in myself – because fear, unlike self-death, is an actual real thing.

Have you had an NDE or other inexplicable experience? If so, be sure to tell us in the comments section below!

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